A dark Hunger Games parody
Act 1: La Mort de France and The Beginning of The Hungary Games
The children stood atop a desert mound in the middle of the Sahara. It was hot, muggy, and deadly dry as the children stood under the hot sun. Their nationalities varied, and they were chosen based on how easy they were to get. There were at least 20 kids waiting for the signal to begin the Hungary Games, their child of which was exempt due to the previous years cannibal accident. No one talks about it, except the kid from Poland that seemed to be missing from the circle. There were at least 19 kids waiting for the signal.
The signal was given by dropping a piano on one of the kids in the circle from one of the two Hungarian planes. This year’s lucky winner was none other than France. He had asthma anyway. The other children gave a sigh of relief, not because they were safe, but because no one would have to help him breathe anymore. The kids dispersed in every direction, some in teams and some by suicide (doing this before the signal resulted in resuscitation up to 3 times, see France).
Now that the kids had been dispersed and were wandering to their deaths, the rules could be heard from the low flying planes in the sky. Only those who had survived the last Hungary Games knew what was happening, which was only one and half kids.
“Welcome to the 764th Annual Hungary Games. We congratulate ourselves for winning last years 763 Annual Hungary Games by default. Now here are the rules for our remaining 19 contestants.”
One of the kids could be seen lying inanimate on the side of a desert dune.
“Now here are the rules for our remaining 18 contestants.”
Another kid could be seen being stabbed to death by another child, presumably from Libya. Exactly which one was from Libya was hard to tell.
“For the remaining contestants, the rules are simple. The first to find civilization wins. You may use any means necessary to achieve your goal, and upon the winner’s request the remaining children may either live or die. For our staff, refreshments are being served in the main lounge.”
The children paid almost no attention to this, as their attention span lasted shortly before the announcer finished saying “Welcome” and soon after they were almost killed by a kid with a knife.
The remaining children had made it in every direction for almost a mile. Many of which were marching further into the desert, leaving around five or so children to survive the Hungary Games. In between the announcers announcing, Hungarian ads played that were unintelligible to all the children.
Act 2: The Escape and The Llama, A How-To on Elongated Titles and Poor ACT Raising
A mile north of the starting point marked the closest landmark to the children’s journey of survival. The American and Canadian had made it there first, as only the Canadian and Mexican children had competed before. The only reason the Canadian kid was chosen again was because he was mute and couldn’t say that he had already participated. The Mexican child killed the Hungarian child in self-defense last year, so he was forced to participate once more. His fear of human beings also made him traverse the Sahara Desert alone.
The American and Canadian had found the landmark, a well, on their journey northward. It was covered with a circular piece of wood that was easy to lift with a little teamwork. The Canadian grabbed the old rope that was still attached to the top of the well and yanked on it with all of his might. He motioned the American to grab the rope and slide down to the bottom. The Canadian knew that this well would lead to another well near the closest town of civilization. The American slid down the rope and wiggled the rope in a violent manner to signify she had made it to the bottom. The Canadian followed suit, attempting to cover the top of the well before sliding down as well. The duo was all around doing quite well for the Hungary Games.
Meanwhile, at least 11 of the original 20 or so children were left. Still too many to keep track of, but since the announcers only cared about the Mexican, they tracked him as he was heading straight for the closest town of civilization. His short back story was that of a young boy that was raised by a Llama that couldn’t pay Hungary enough money to keep him home. There was supposed to be more back story, but the Hungarian employees were promised Llama burgers.
The Mexican child had somehow smuggled Slim Jim’s and miniature water bottles into the Hungary Games, which was in strict violation of the non-existent rule stating how no child was to have food or water due to environmental concerns. The announcers thought this to be a great plot twist, so they didn’t mention the rule breaking and let it continue.
At least 11 of the original 20 or so children were still alive, an update will be made once there are fewer to report on. The plane following the children of Brazil, Chile, and Argentina had crashed onto said children a few hours prior to the last report. Hungary could only afford two planes this year, so the Mexican was now single-handedly allowing the other contestants to work under the radar.
Act 3: The Trap and What They Found There While The Mexican Made This a Run-on
The American and Canadian had wandered the underground water network for hours. After passing several roundabouts and performing half a dozen u-turns they finally reached the way out. The town of civilization was only a few hundred feet above them, so they began climbing the ladder that was installed during the 500th Annual Hungary Games. This ladder, however, was notorious for taking several minutes to climb. There was an old rumour that those that climbed it would hear a young woman singing in the distance. The American and Canadian began their climb, knowing full well what was in store.
…thrill…
With darkness and silence through…
…ill…
I’m searching and I’ll stab into you
What a joy in my heart
But you’re oh so lean!
The American was scared at the ghostly singing that surrounded them. The Canadian stopped and kicked her with his foot, trying to knock some sense into her. Their pause on the ladder also seemed to pause the singing, so once they began moving again…
…give my life
Not for , but for you
Hun-gary!
In my time there’ll be no one else
Death, it’s the way I fly to you
Hun-gary!
I’m still a killer, Hungary!
Someday you go through the sand
Someday you feed on a small leg
This ordeal, the trial to survive
For the day we see new feast!
This singing continued until the children reached the top of the well and leaped onto solid ground again.
Act 4: The Ancient Civilization of The Modern Civilization’s Civilization Town of Civilization
It was always a lie, just read the next act already.
Act 5: The Plane That Granted Passage After Denying Passage
Sitting to the left of the Ancient Civilization of The Modern Civilization’s Civilization Town of Civilization was a back-up plan that the Hungarians had prepared in the event of a horrible tragedy. Such horrible tragedies include too many kids dying too fast, rampant cannibals that weren’t Hungarian, terrorist attacks, and the kids dying too fast. The front of the plane was fitted with an external user interface device, or as the Hungarians liked to call it, Bob. It was possible to interact with the plane for general information, or to let it fly for you when feeling especially lazy. Upon walking within a few hundred meters of the plane, the interface enabled itself and turned on all of it’s lights as the sun was almost set.
“Declare your name. Declare your name. I am Bob.”
The plane spoke twice as it had scanned two beings, but thought the second sentence was asking for its name. The Canadian waved his hands and pointed north.
“Declare your name. Declare your name. I am Bob.”
“Uh… hi Bob,” the American began, “I think we are trying to reach the end of this game.”
“It is nice to meet you, Uh. It’s nice to meet you, Bob. I am also Bob.”
The Canadian child kept gesturing, even though the plane had no visual conceptual video input, or what most people call eyes.
“Right, Bob, can you get us out of here?” said the American.
The plane quickly replied. “No.”
“W-why not?”
“Bob is unable to leave this place.”
The Canadian stopped gesturing and grabbed the American by the shoulders. She was beginning to understand the mute Canadians frantic movements and decided to translate to the plane. The American stood in front of the Canadian.
“Bob, can you fly us to…?”
The plane scanned the area around the American again.
The Canadian began gesturing again.
“…to the finish?”
“Bob can fly you to the Finnish.”
“Yes! Let’s go!” the American said, grabbing the Canadians arm and running to enter the plane.
As the American and Canadian children were running to the plane, the Mexican child had found his way to the landing gear in a cliché attempt to escape unknowingly. Somehow the Mexican kid had escaped the announcers plane on his way here. He was still eating some Slim Jim’s as he belted himself in with hoses and miscellaneous straps. The other children in the Hungary Games had found an old stash of ground to air missiles in the desert. The first shot fired without a hitch, and hit the remaining announcers plane which killed off all the remaining staff that didn’t already escape. The kids, however, though it fun to use against each other. The next shot they attempted to take backfired, literally. The ground to air missiles exploded on the pull of the trigger, ending the life of the other 11 kids in the Hungary Games. This is not because the narrator got lazy.
Act 6: The Stowaway Gains None of The Gifts of Modern Man
The remaining children in the Hungary Games were now on a plane, a plane on its way to the Finnish. All sorts of technologies were aboard this plane, everything seemed to sparkle and glow. Seeing as all the words were in English, the two kids on board were able to get a hint about what everything was. Each sign had a title and incredibly small text underneath it. One of the doors was titled “The Chatterbox”, subtitled “if you can read this then step inside to gain access to all the languages of the world and speak in many tongues”.
The American saw no downside to this, so she threw the Canadian inside and pressed one of the glowing buttons next to the door. Steam flew out from under the door as the lights flashed like a 70s disco party. When the door creaked back open, the Canadian fell to the floor like a plank. The plane then hit turbulence, kinda like a plane that just hit turbulence, and knocked the Mexican out of the landing gear, along with all the actual landing gear. At least 2 of the original 20 or so children were still alive. No one knew this, however, because the announcers were dead and all the children were orphaned (though not all by choice).
Act 7: Crash and Burn (The Penultimate Act of All Acts)
Upon arrival in the Finnish airspace, the plane attempted to land on an empty highway. This felt odd to the plane as it was what it knew was rush hour for the given time zone, so the plane decided the cars were just invisible and decided to land in the forest to the left of the highway. As the plane was deciding how best to crash-land the American attempted to wake the Canadian child from his slight comma. After assuming he may have lost his hearing alongside his speech, the American began slapping the Canadians face. This lead into punching, as it still wasn’t working, before the Canadian finally woke up to a sore nose and blurry vision. There was no more time for waking up, because everything was now fire.
Outside of the burning wreckage was the empty world. There was nothing left but what the living beings had left for them. A speaker that was used for the plane’s output was still functional, spouting this nonsense and much more to the children that survived the crash thanks to the numerous amounts of pillows that had lined the walls. Stumbling to their feet, the children hobbled through the fire to the town that was about a quarter-inch away from the crash site.
Act 8: The Finnish Alley
The American girl slowly let the limping Canadian down in a small alleyway. They sat to catch their breath, finally safe from all the terrors of the Hungary Games.
“The end of the world, eh?” whispered the Canadian.
The American jumped at the sudden noise that escaped the Canadians mouth.
“…Wha-” the Canadian swung his hand to his mouth, slapping his sore nose in the process.
“You can talk? You can talk!” screamed the American, as she jumped forward to hug the Canadian, slamming her forehead into the Canadians face. The Canadian fell unconscious from the pain before returning to consciousness just a few minutes later.
“So,” began the American, “what’s your name? We haven’t really been able to talk at all.”
“Adam,” he whispered, “and yours?”
“Evelyn, but…but some people used to call me Eve.”
“So, Eve, what do we do now? Bob said everyone was dead, so what else is there to do?”
“Hmm… I haven’t really thought about it, but what could we even do?”
Adam and Eve sat silently as a glass bottle down the alley shattered. If every living thing was gone, what was left to drop a glass bottle? The kids got up and slowly limped down the alley to find an empty bottle of Armando beer.
“Maybe one of the announcers followed us back here?” said Adam.
“But Bob said everyone was dead.”
“Yeah, but who was he talking to? Maybe he wasn’t talking to us.”
“If anyone else was on the plane, wouldn’t we be de-”
“-ad? Yo man, I said are you dead?” said the man. The dreary and empty atmosphere of this empty city flashed back to a sunny summer day in Finland.
“Nem!” the man said, stumbling up to his feet. He dropped a glass bottle of Armando beer as it shattered on the ground. He slowly limped out of the alley into the broad daylight of the bustling Finnish streets. In a heavy Hungarian accent the man groaned, “We done this many time. How more bottle beer musts that I keep go?” The man fell to the ground for having consumed 764 bottles of beer nonstop had killed his internal organs. No one paid mind to this man, who soon began to rot near the alleyway. This lead to a mass spread of disease, killing all of humanity and living beings on the Earth. Many moons later, the last two surviving children of humanity were now scavenging a Finnish city for any microbial sized speck of life. They later died.
A vég!